AFGM Pt 6. - A Few Good Men

"Watch yourself counselor..." A plea-bargain babe investigates Guantanamo Bay

Welcome back to today’s installment of “A Few Good Movies: My journey to watch every Tom Cruise movie before Valentine’s Day”

Today we are covering the 1992 classic A Few Good Men. A film about a murder trial in a military court focusing on a crime that transpired at Guantanamo Bay. Naturally, it was directed by the obvious choice, the guy who directed the 1987 rom-com When Harry Met Sally. Yes, it was directed by Mike “the meathead” Stivic from All in the Family. Somehow a producer saw Meg Ryan feigning enthusiasm for a deli sandwich and thought “let’s get this guy in on a film where they address the complexities of grey areas in military conduct”. I guess both films deal with internal affairs in one way or another? Oh, those were the days… (for literally only a few men)

Pre-Viewing Thoughts :

(Written Friday, December 15th) I have never seen this before and I am a bit nervous because every single person I have talked to about this project has emphatically told me this is a great movie. I know it is about a military murder trial and that Jack Nicholson and Tom Cruise have a heated courtroom exchange. That’s it. For tonight’s viewing I went ahead and planned a proper movie night. I have ordered takeout, put on still warm from the dryer pj’s and dimmed the lights and paid a shocking $12.99 to rent the film on Amazon. This better be good.

Synopsis:

Unlike pretty much every other movie I have summarized this one is not at risk for spoilers because the audience essentially knows more facts than most characters at the beginning. We begin by seeing a surveillance-type video of a hazing crime happening at a military base in Guantanamo Bay by two men against one. It is later revealed that Officer Santiago was the victim of this act and has died due to exposure to poisoning. This catches the attention of special counsel of internal affairs, Joanne Galloway (Demi Moore) who thinks something is off with the whole story and wants to further pursue and investigation.

We next meet Daniel Kaffee, who much like how we knew Bill Hartford was a doctor in Eyes Wide Shut because he told us in every scene, we come to learn about 75 times that Daniel Kaffee is a lawyer from Boston to went to Harvard. Thankfully his character does not have an accent, which makes sense because I am from Boston and I do not have an accent nor do most people I know born after 1960 unless they are pathologically in search of defining character traits (sorry but its true). But I digress…

Daniel is a hot shot lawyer in the JAG department and has a success rate to show for it. As it turns out this is because he is a classic Ally McPleaDeal and never actually takes cases to court for litigation. Does he believe in the case enough to take it to trial and risk his reputation and military standing? Will he make a name for himself based on his true abilities and not just those of his father? Can he HANDLE THE TRUTH?

The movie has a relatively quick pace like a feature length episode of Law & Order (that is a compliment). If you liked the “amoniumthyglocolate” courtroom scene in Legally Blonde you will likely enjoy this as well.

Post-Viewing Review:

Did I enjoy it? You’re damn right I did.

I am really glad that I went in fully blind to this as the payoff was great. I am always so skeptical about movies that get so hyped up that I often have a hard time taking them in fully. It is simply a great film with great performances. I will say that much like my commentary on the “everyone is connected” structure of Magnolia, the procedural plot structure in this film when viewed in 2024 does roll out a bit more obviously than may have the case for the initial viewers in 1992 but I was a toddler and didn’t have a substack at that time so alas here we are. I have a few thoughts on the film so I am going to cover them in bullets:

• The [noun] reminds [character] of [genius solution] “A-ha moment” fallacy: As much as I love this trope it truly TRULY never happens in real life. Although obviously many discoveries happen by accident they don’t happen LIKE THAT. Lets take the discovery of penicillin for instance - we all know the classic story of how it was discovered when mold formed on an cantaloupe but it wasn’t like Flemming was at a Syracuse game and upon looking at the field was like “thats a lot of orange… orange like CANTALOUPE! LETS GO TO THE LAB I HAVE THE ANSWER!”. Tom Cruise wears his military outfit like one time in the entire movie and we are supposed to believe he is inspired by military outfits to find out the answer? I still loved it, just saying that isn’t how it works. Much like I doubt the fake boyfriend of Brooke Windham would have been that aggressively snarky to the opposing counsel in Legally Blonde but still a great plot twist.

• Thus far in my journey Tom has played 2 character arc-types (Eyes Wide Shut notwithstanding). The first is guy who justifies his behavior by saying “I didn’t grow up with money, I have to work like a maniac to fill the void that not having money left in my heart where empathy should be” and the other is “My father was the best at this xyz thing and now I have to pursue his dream as mine”. Be careful not to combine the two while operating heavy machinery or you will end up with a bizarre alternate universe where Tom Cruise is playing football at West Caanan High School.

• Okay so again, to be clear, I really liked this movie. BUT…. why does Jack Nicholson say “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH” when we already know what the motive was to order the “code red” on Santiago from like the first 15 mins of the film? I was really expecting the reveal to be that they were secret lovers.

• Fun fact: I read that they wanted to film at The Pentagon and they said “hard no”. Yeah I WOULD HOPE SO. Imagine finding out you could just film movies at THE PENTAGON? Doesn’t that seem like super unsafe? Idk maybe I have seen Argo one too many times to trust film crews even if they are there to film Cruise.

• Poor Tom, always the bridesmaid never the bride. Actually in this production he isn’t even the bridesmaid he is like the girl who is going to read “the prayers of the faithful” during the ceremony (where you have to be like “and also to Bob’s great aunt Lucinda who is in heaven and all the other people we lost” and then awkwardly pause even though you don’t know these people at all) but is still expected to go to the bachelorette. This movie was nominated for 4 academy awards but Tom was snubbed. Then a few years later he is nominated for a well deserved “best supporting actor” that he lost to Michael Caine for an adaptation of the morbidly naval-gazing work of John Irving. I have decided to rewatch Cider House rules because I need to know how both performances hold up. Tom - I feel you, for every time you get snubbed for an oscar an angel (me) gets its wings (asked to be in another wedding). Sometimes we just want to win the award OKAY? But, Tom, you just gotta put yourself out there but don’t settle, the Oscar will happen when you least expect it. How are YOU still without an Academy Award!? (see how annoying this rhetoric is? think about that when talking to your single friends this holiday season). At least I can donate my bridesmaid dresses to the less fortunate and move on, his swings and misses live on wikipedia for me to analyze.

Coconut Cake Award:

The judge who says “watch yourself counselor” and a few other great quips

Crystal Egg Rating: 4/5 Egg

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-1 egg because I feel like they needed to add more dimension to Demi Moore’s character especially as this was barely an ensemble cast yet in the true ensemble film of Saint Elmo’s Fire her complexity is so exciting to watch. Do better Aaron Sorkin.